QuantumCoffee™
The world's first single-cup brewer for the post-classical office.
QuantumCoffee™ is a precision-engineered countertop appliance that brews your beverage simultaneously hot, cold, and lukewarm. The temperature collapses when the lid is opened. We do not know which state you will get. We do not believe anyone can know.
Capabilities
What it does. Or appears to do.
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Three states
Espresso, Iced, and an undecidable third state called Brew*. Brew* is included on the Enterprise tier.
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Managed Observation™
Our companion app schedules wavefunction collapse during a window aligned with your circadian rhythm and our enterprise pricing tier.
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Smart pods
Pods are tagged with NFC, RFID, and a custom protocol called CFID (Coffee Fidelity).
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WiFi 6E
Connects to your network. Refuses to tell you why.
Spec sheet
By the numbers (unverified).
| Dimensions | 11" × 8" × 14" (in this universe) |
| Power | 1,400W · 350W in eco mode |
| Brew time | 45s · also 6 hours |
| Pod compatibility | Q-Pod, K-Cup, vibes |
| Warranty | 2 years (in 1 of 4 timelines) |
| Pricing | $849 (or 3 monthly payments of $349, in select timelines). |
Customer outcomes
Statements made by people, allegedly.
“I opened the lid and got soup. I have not opened it again. Soup is fine.”
Aldous Crane
CEO · Split the Bit
“Our office productivity is up 12% since we installed QuantumCoffee™. We attribute this to fear.”
T. Marsh
Platform Lead · OmniCorp
Frequently entangled questions
Things people have asked, in some branch.
What if I want a regular coffee?+
QuantumCoffee™ does not produce regular coffee. Regular coffee is, in our view, undisrupted.
Can I disable Managed Observation™?+
Disabling Managed Observation™ requires a software update we are not currently distributing.
What is Brew*?+
We do not know. Two engineers have been asked. They are both unavailable.
◇ Ready to deploy?
Bring QuantumCoffee™ into your stack.
Or don't. The product will continue to exist either way, in some form, somewhere.