We deleted our marketing department's wavefunction and you won't believe what collapsed

On Monday morning, our Chief Wavefunction Officer Vela Marwick walked into the all-hands and announced that the marketing department had achieved decoherence over the weekend. This was a surprise to most of us, including marketing.

For several quarters, our brand had existed in superposition: simultaneously 'thought leadership in deep tech' and 'a slightly aggressive Twitter account run by our CRO at 1am'. Customers reported confusion. Investors reported neither.

We tried the usual remedies. We hired a Head of Brand. We fired a Head of Brand. We held an offsite. We attended someone else's offsite. The wavefunction would not collapse.

Eventually, we did the only thing left: we stopped looking. According to the strict Copenhagen interpretation, an unobserved system has no defined state. We disabled all dashboards. We unfollowed our own handle. We instructed Sales to never describe what we do.

Within seventy-two hours, the marketing department had quietly resolved into a state we are calling 'fine, probably.' Engagement is up. Or down. We don't measure it anymore. The vibes are unimpeachable.

Going forward, we will be applying this technique across the org. Our finance department's wavefunction collapses tomorrow.